I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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