its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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