woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
