You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
