the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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