DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
ttyl tear gas
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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