I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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