Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
He felt like a one man threesome
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
