I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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