The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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