I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
