is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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