im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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