I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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