Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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