There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
