my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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