So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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