So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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