i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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