Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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