I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
