my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
