I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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