weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
