sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
