I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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