You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
