I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
