Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
