I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
