turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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