I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
