woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
