its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
