I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
