I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
