Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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