i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
