So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
