Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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