do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
