Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
