Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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