He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
