I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
