I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
