So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize