Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
