I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
