She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
