I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
