I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
