my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
