I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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