But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
