I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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