she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
