The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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